Rejection City looks a lot like Poopville

Not one but two rejections the last two days, one from the Sun (for a little story called I Am Here Now) and one from the 'Lists' department at McSweeney's. Merry Christmas! Anyway, I offer up the second rejection (below) in the spirit of the season.

by Darryl Berger

If I Did It: Jing Ke's attempted assassination of Qin Shi Huang (first emperor of unified China, 221 BC – 210 BC)
OJ notes – See, an NFL running back knows how to handle pressure. So I would never have fucked that up.

If I Did It: The Assassination of Gaius Julius Caesar, 44 BC
OJ notes – This is a gang thing. Not a Columbian drug-gang thing, but still: good team effort.

If I Did It: The Assassination of Henry III of France, 1589
OJ notes – This Jacques ClĂ©ment? He was some kind of demented religious dude, got up close to the king by pretending to have a secret message. Me, I'd just fake left and go right. Shoot and scoot, motherfucker.

If I Did It: The Assassination of Alexander II, 1881
OJ notes – This tsar dude was blown up by a bomb. That's what you get for emancipating serfs and white women. Anyway, who uses a bomb? What, nobody had a knife? Me, I woulda spiked that motherfucker.

If I Did It: The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln, 1865
OJ notes – Hey Abey baby, thanks for freeing the slaves. Now think fast.

If I Did It: The Axe-Murders of Andrew and Abby Borden, 1892
OJ notes – Personally, I'm not an axe guy, but I could definitely handle the physicality involved. In sports, it's all about the right mindset. So here you just have to think more hacky-hacky than stabby-stabby, that's all. No problem.

If I Did It: World War Two, 1939-1945
OJ notes – Definitely on the side of the good guys. Hey, does Ford make tanks, too?

If I Did It: Battlefield Earth, 2000
OJ Notes – This is not a good movie. And I would never wear those ugly-ass costumes.

If I Did It: James Frey and A Million Little Pieces, 2006
OJ Notes – Hey, if the lit don't fit, you must acquit. Or say the LAPD planted all the fiction parts. Or just stab your way out of it.


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