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open letter rejects

McSweeney's has an OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND department. People write squirrels, saran-wrap, Louis XIV, God. It's rather funny. Since I can be rather funny (sometimes, in a casual way, never when pressed or when it matters) I decided to try to get in on the action.

Well, the first rejection seemed a tad quick (one hour, twenty-five minutes: in fact, a new record) and sounded a wee bit mechanical (no spelling mistakes; always a red flag), but when the second rejection letter had exactly the same wording as the first, I knew I was getting the old form-letter never-read treatment.

So: what started out as an honest ambition has now become a grudge match. How many times can I get the shaft? Let's find out.

1)

Date: Friday, March 3, 2006 9:44 AM
To: openletters@mcsweeneys.net
Subject: OPEN LETTER ... HOVERCRAFT, SEA MONKEYS AND X-RAY GLASSES

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAIL-ORDER VENDORS OF THE HOVERCRAFT, SEA MONKEYS AND X-RAY GLASSES ADVERTISED IN THE BACK OF MY CHILDHOOD COMIC BOOKS

Hey,

Check it out: I just looked up the word 'sucker' in my new illustrated dictionary, and there was a picture of myself as a ten year-old boy. Crying.

Hoping your hell is extra hot,
Jimmy Kling

-----------------

From: openletters@mcsweeneys.net
Date: Friday, March 3, 2006 11:09 AM
Subject: RE: OPEN LETTER ... HOVERCRAFT, SEA MONKEYS AND X-RAY GLASSES

Darryl:

We've decided to pass on this, but thanks for giving us a chance to consider it for the site.

Ed Page
Assistant Website Editor


2)

Date: Monday, March 6, 2006 12:36 PM
To: openletters@mcsweeneys.net
Subject: OPEN LETTER TO CHRISTIAN BALE

AN OPEN LETTER TO CHRISTIAN BALE, STAR OF THE MACHINIST

Hey Christian,

Rented The Machinist last night. Yeah! Man, you must have really wanted to do that part to lose so much weight for it!

Too bad it wasn't very funny.

Of course, you're gonna blame the material. See, I don't think that's the problem. To be honest, I don't think you're very funny even at the best of times. Okay, sure, the ax scene in American Psycho was pure you-kids-gotta-wake-up-and-see-this comedy, I mean real laugh-in-your-five-year-old's-face kind of stuff, but even you would have to admit that it's pretty hard to fuck up the inherent humour in any murder of a Jared Leto character. I mean, as soon as that guy appears on-screen my kids are thinking, 'Oh no, not Jared Leto! I knew I recognized that fucking guy! But wait, maybe we'll get to see him murdered!' Even Fight Club was smart enough just to use that guy as a punching bag. And Requiem for a Dream? Hilarious scene at the end, Jared sans arm. Not as funny as Ellen Burstyn's role, but still. So maybe you needed some kind of Jared Leto-type character to kill. Even just torture a little bit. Or something. Not just you being all skinny and freaky. Skeletor isn't funny. Neither is ruining Friday movie night with my kids. They couldn't wait to get back to their mom's on Sunday.

Thanks again,
Willie Neff

-----------------

From: openletters@mcsweeneys.net
Date: Tuesday, March 7, 2006 6:43 AM
Subject: RE: OPEN LETTER TO CHRISTIAN BALE

Darryl:

We've decided to pass on this, but thanks for giving us a chance to consider it for the site.

Ed Page
Assistant Website Editor

Comments

  1. Anonymous6:13 pm

    Good stuff. Thanks for a nice blog.

    Sincerely,

    Pat
    Pat Skidmore

    ReplyDelete

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